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The Husband and the Wife
Communicating in a Marriage
Scripture Reading: Ephesians 4:29-32
Why is communication in marriage important?
In order for two people to relate to each other with meaning and harmony there must be communication (Amos 3:3). Since two very different persons are involved in a marriage, there will be differing opinions, views, sets of values, desires, and methods. It therefore becomes vitally necessary for communication to occur regularly. Since marriage is a “covenant of companionship” (Genesis 2:18), and the goal is to become one in judgment, decision and action, a great deal of “agreeing” must take place. This can only come about through effective communication.
What is communication?
Communication is the act or instance of transmitting a verbal or written message. It is a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, sign, or behavior. It is simply the exchange of information (Webster’s Dictionary).
What in man or woman affects one’s communicating ability?
Character is the steering mechanism of communication. According to one’s character, so will one communicate. If one is self-centered, his communication will be so. If one is selfless, his communication will also reflect the same (Matthew 12:34). Sin pleated man’s ability to communicate in a positive, unifying way. Because sin introduced selfishness into man’s character, only the cross of Christ through salvation can restore the ability to communicate effectively and harmoniously.
The following are some of the results of sin upon man’s communicating ability:
> A desire not to communicate (Genesis 3:8)
> A tendency to shift blame for failures (Genesis 3:12,13)
> A tendency to lie and be deceitful (Genesis 4:9)
> A tendency to conceal oneself from one’s mate (Genesis 3:7)
Since the intimacy and openness Adam and Eve enjoyed in Genesis 2:25 was broken by sin, they naturally were inclined to conceal themselves from one another (Genesis 3:7). Before sin, there was nothing hidden between themselves and God and nothing hidden between each other, but sin destroyed that. Because sin built walls between man and woman, the more sinless each mate becomes, the more their ability to communicate in a unifying way increases. Since a relationship is “that which exists between two persons as a result of their individual contribution”, it logically follows whatever goes into the relationship will make up the relationship. If anger, resentment, bitterness, selfishness, and fear are contributed to the relationship through certain attitudes, actions, and conversations, the relationship will be anemic. If the input from both husband and wife is love, trust, consideration, and kindness, the relationship will be a blessing and a source of joy to both.
Is communication itself always a positive, constructive thing?
No. There are two kinds of communication: unifying and divisive. Ephesians 4:29 makes this very clear. All communication will either tend to build up or to destroy the relationship. God wants marriage partners to speak the truth, but to speak it in love (Ephesians 4:15).
What then are the keys to communicating harmoniously in marriage?
Two important keys to harmonious communication are: quantity of communication and quality of communication. We can see both of these in the pattern relationship for all human relationships: the vertical relationship that God desires to have with us. The principles we see in our relationship to Christ are the same ones that should govern our relationship to our spouse (Ephesians 5:22-25, 32).
> Scripture speaks of a quantity of communication God expects us to have with Him (Hebrews 13:15; 1 Thessalonians 5:17; Ephesians 6:18; Psalm 34:1). The phrases “at all time”, “continually”, and “always”, underscore the fact that quantity of constant communication is necessary to develop and maintain our relationship with God. It is also vitally necessary to have a quantity of constant communication in marriage. With the countless number of issues, problems, and choices are daily confronted in marriage, it is easy to see a sizeable amount of communication is necessary in order to “walk together” (Amos 3:3).
> Scripture speaks of a quality of communication necessary to develop and maintain a relationship (Ephesians 4:29-31; 1 Peter 3:8-10). What a tremendous challenge; never to speak anything to our mate that is not edifying. It is very easy to find the negatives common to every home beginning to eclipse all of the positives through divisive and explosive conversation. Regardless of who was initially responsible for the inflammatory word, both are immediately held responsible before God to forgive and to re-establish their love relationship as the basis for their communication (James 5:16, Ephesians 4:32). Words are powerful to bless or to belittle. Make a valiant effort to be positive about negative things. Negative situations must be discussed at times, but they can be discussed in a positive vein, with a faith-view to their solution.
What are some practical suggestions for dealing with communication breakdown?
DO’S
> Ask for forgiveness for wrong attitudes and abusive language (Ephesians 4:32).
> Set prearranged times for discussion of subjects that are sensitive or potentially explosive.
> Pray together before discussion “hot” items (Ephesians 4:3)
> In humility, ask your spouse how you can improve your communication, as well as adjustments they would like you to make in each specific issue.
> If through prayer and diligent effort you are unable to solve essential issues, seek qualified counsel.
DON’TS
> Don’t attack your spouse’s character or personality (Galatians 5:15).
> Don’t raise issues again that have already been settled just because they didn’t turn out in your favor.
> Don’t attempt to make or force your spouse to conform to your point of view, but don’t fail to give them the opportunity to agree with you.
> Don’t be against a compromise. Sometimes the best or only solution lies in a portion of each view.
> Don’t be unwilling to sacrifice your view for the good of the relationship and the best interest of your mate.
(1 Pet 1:15 KJV) But as he which hath called you is holy, so be ye holy in all manner of conversation.
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